Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
