nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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