you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
