Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
