it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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