The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
