At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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