I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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