She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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