You really coming over, don't trick.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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