Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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