I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
