Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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