I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
