I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize