Jerry, you need to find god
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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