I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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