If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
