I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
