Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
