we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
no. you can't hotbox the world.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize