Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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