Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dicks are not precious.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize