Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
