Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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