I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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