Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
