It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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