He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Girls should come with a carfax report
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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