Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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