I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
