sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize