conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
