don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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