If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
