If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize