He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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