i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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