yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
