The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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