I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
