I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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