I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
