i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
