Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
