I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
