My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
