I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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