He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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