I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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