You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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