Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize