we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize