I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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