I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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