saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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