Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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