btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize